Out and Still in: My Life with the Binghamton Crew

By: Charles P. Kirchofer

When I came to Binghamton University, I didn’t know a whole lot of people. At a state school, everyone knows each other (except for me - I’m from Connecticut). It wasn’t until I joined Crew my sophomore year that I started to find my fit. Rowing was it, and when the opportunity came, I ran for captain of the men’s novice squad. My squad respected me because I was there (early) every single day, and never made excuses or complained. So I became captain, and took it upon myself to keep them organized, wake them up if they needed it, etc.

I came out originally in high school, and was politically involved in Connecticut, so I was never one to shut my mouth about being gay. However, when I joined the crew team, I didn’t really talk about it. After all, sports are the “last closet,” so they say. I wanted to wait for the guys to get to know me first as “Charlie, the guy that’s always there and is enthusiastic,” not “Charlie the gay kid.” 

Well, little did I know: most of the varsity men already knew about me because I had a class my freshman year with a kid that was friends with a kid on crew. For one of our class projects we went to a gay bar to study the insider vs outsider perspective. Obviously I was the insider. The team kept quiet about it and never brought it up with me, I suppose because they were waiting for me to show I was comfortable with talking about it. After a little while I slowly began to slip things like “my ex-boyfriend” into conversation when it was appropriate, rather than expending the energy to say “a friend” or stay off the subject altogether. The most important thing on my team was whether or not you worked hard, not what sex you’re attracted to. I did work hard, both as a rower and a captain. My second semester a space opened up for Treasurer of the team, and I jumped in to fill it. The varsity men’s captain was ineffective, so I also did his work for him. When people needed to know what was going on, they asked me. I involved myself with everything crew. I suppose looking back on it, I was compensating, and trying to win respect and friendship. Maybe I needed to, maybe I didn’t.

 Two years later I am President of the team, an elected position, and the majority of my friends are still here, on the team, which has become my surrogate (sometimes dysfunctional) family. The novice men this year are especially cool. I am able to make gay-related comments that I’d previously avoid in a team setting with them, and point out when I think a guy is hot with them. They don’t mind, although they’re usually prepared with what women they think are hot, too. I don’t mind. I’m equally able to appreciate an attractive woman.

 Although my experience has been incredibly positive, it hasn’t been all perfect. There have been a few people on the team that have just never been friendly with me. You know what? Who cares? It happens, and it’s not my problem. The novice men last year, except for one, had a touch of homophobia.. Even my own housemate who was coaching the team last year, made a comment to my face that was pretty offensive. He complained about one kid who never bothered to pull on the erg, consistently pulling a 2k at a 2:20 split. The kid always did his hair before practice, and never seemed to want to break a sweat. Perhaps the kid fit the “gay” stereotype, even though I really don’t. He said the guy “pulled like a faggot.” I immediately said, “yeah, I guess that’s what I do too, huh?” I was pretty pissed, and he didn’t say anything. Sometimes people say things without realizing what they’re saying. I’m forgiving, but I definitely feel obligated to say something in those situations.

 Words of advice for coming out? Well, it’s all up to you, in the end. You could perhaps start with the women, if that’s easier. That’s helpful for guys. Not to be sexist, but this is kind of from a male perspective because I’m a guy, and I can’t speak for what it’d be like for a woman coming out. Try to get a sense for how the guys feel about you. Often times I think it is a growing feeling that what you do on the team is more important than what you do outside. At first, you may have to settle for them just not going into your personal life. Work on changing their overall views later, work on respect for you as a team member and rower first. I think that counts the most. 

What school you’re attending matters as well. Binghamton’s a pretty liberal school with a lot of students from New York City. I didn’t even apply to schools that were conservative or close-minded. As far as coaches, it’s something I’ve never discussed with them. They may/probably know, but I’m not sure. It’s not really something that comes up while talking about hand height and slide control. There’s a pretty good chance they know however, because sometimes things DO come up, such as at our end-of-the-season banquet this past spring. During winter training I’d often shower with the guys in the gym after practice. At the banquet we have a thing called “paper plate awards” that the captains usually fill out. They are funny inside joke awards. I got the “don’t drop the soap” award. An example of how my teammates can joke around, but also an example of how coaches have probably caught on, since they were there.

 I cannot advise anyone to come out or stay in the closet, but I can say that it was definitely the right choice for me. Sometimes people take time, but they usually come around, unless they’re really just assholes. When people get a chance to know you for you, they are okay. I’d also say: if you’re comfortable with yourself, and confident in yourself, others will be more apt to be comfortable with you, too. Coming out helped make crew one of the most positive experiences of my life. I don’t think I could’ve ever formed the relationships I now have with my teammates if I’d had something to hide, and could never really let people into my life. It would be impossible, and that would be a total shame. The choice is yours, and sometimes the closet is safer, but don’t rule out coming out altogether! Since I came out two more people on the team have also. You may even make it easier for others!